Have you ever felt like you're not doing a good enough job raising your child? Mom guilt makes the already difficult job, seem even more challenging.
And guess what? It's also not necessary or helpful...
Mom guilt is the feeling that you're not a good mom, or you're not doing enough. It comes out of comparison to other moms who seem to have it all put together - moms doing crafts with their kids instead of putting them in front of the TV or with their iPads.
It can also come from having an idea of the type of mom you want to be - when you drop your child off at daycare or the longing to be more present with your child.
Mom guilt can be caused by many things...here are just a few:
Breastfeeding: some moms find it simple and others find it more challenging. Those who decide to use formula feel guilty that they couldn't breastfeed.
Going back to work: in the U.S. we only get 12 weeks of maternity leave, so going back to work with your child being so young can cause all sorts of mom guilt.
Being bored: this is something I still struggle with. Even if you LOVE being a mom, everyday childcare can still be boring. This is normal. There are days I yearn for something other than playing make believe, or "family" as my daughter likes to call it. There are also days that I miss my pre-mom life when I could spontaneously call a friend and meet them for dinner and drinks. Again, this is NORMAL.
Giving them too much screen time: another one I continue to struggle with. While I do think it's important to limit screen time for your little ones, I also believe it's okay to give them a little extra time in front of the TV when you need a little extra time for yourself.
Not spending enough time with your children: spending time with them is important, but this doesn't mean you have to be with them 24/7. If you decide to get a babysitter so you can have a day to yourself, that's okay. Try to reframe your way of thinking to: this will help me be a better mom when I get home. Remember quality is often better than quantity.
Losing your temper: we have all been there. Parenting is hard and sometimes we reach a point where we can't take it much more, and that is OKAY. It's normal for your children to annoy you sometimes, and it's normal for you to lose your temper with them - you're human. You're not expected to be calm 100 percent of the time. Just remember to apologize to them after. You'll be forgiven, I promise.
Comparison: we can thank the internet for this one. Our mothers and grandmothers didn't have to deal with the constant comparison of moms we see appearing to have it all together on Facebook and Instagram. They also didn't have the endless amount of information found on google telling them how to raise their kids - they just did what they felt was right at the time. Imagine that, they listened to their instincts! Lucky them...It’s easy to look at social media and think someone else is a better mom than you. But you’re comparing your reality to her curated highlights reel. If you could see the reality behind it, you would see she feels just as inadequate as you do - we all have our struggles, including that mom who appears to have her sh*t together.
How does mom guilt show up for you? Write it down, see what comes up, then try some of these ways to overcome it when you notice it rearing its ugly head:
Take a deep breath. When you start to feel racing thoughts and anxiety coming, pause, close your eyes and take a few deep, mindful breaths.
Identify what is causing it. Keep a journal and write down the things that cause you to feel guilt and shame. Becoming aware can often help you address it.
Show yourself some compassion. We often have compassion for others, so why can't we give this to ourselves? Give yourself some grace, when you fall, get back up and try again.
Prioritize self care (and don't feel guilty about it!). Helping yourself before helping others is not selfish. Remember, apply your oxygen mask before assisting others with theirs.
Listen to your intuition. This goes back to our ancestors - remember, they didn't have the internet telling them what to do, and they did just fine. A mother's intuition is fine-tuned to the needs of her child. Your child will let you know what they need, all you have to do is pay attention.
Take some time off. Yes, you are allowed to take breaks from parenting. If you have a partner, ask them to take over for a few hours. If you're a single mother, find a support group for single moms, or ask a close friend or family member you trust to watch him/her for awhile.
While mom guilt can be a pretty common emotion, try not to let it consume you.
Remember, that feeling mom guilt from time to time is normal. And it’s okay to experience it, as long as you have strategies to deal with it. Being a mom (or dad) is one of the most rewarding yet challenging jobs in the world.
If you need more tools to deal with mom guilt, or anything else mom related, I am here. ALWAYS. Check out my Budding to Blooming Program for moms. Details below.
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